Thursday, May 01, 2003
11:10 PM || Taking a break from homework to sort out my thoughts. Life, in general, has been pretty tough lately. What with school [APs, SATs, etc.], family problems, guy problems, and everything else in between, everything's been going downhill. AP tests are in the next two weeks, and am I ready? Not at all. I really think I'd dug myself into a deep hole when I procrastinate until the last minute to do all this studying. I put the pro in procrastination, y'all. And that's NOT a good thing. One of my New Years' resolutions was to learn to do things early instead of always putting them off until the last minute. I'm gonna check back on that list and see if I can instigate some feelings of motivation. I guess my plan for the next two weeks is just to study my arse off. After this, I'll be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm gonna need all the luck that I can possibly have, and a whole lot of encouraging words
Things with the family haven't been going very well either. Problems between the 'rents are escalating even more, as the financial troubles hit hard. I don't think my siblings and I have gotten allowance for like, the past 5 months or so. It's a good thing that I work, or else I'd be starving myself to death. The situation with the INS is now even more complicated than ever. I wish I born a US citizen so that none of this would have to happen. I wish that we can just be a normal, happy, family.
It's been a week now since the separation with *him. Beneath all my quirky acts and smiles, I still hurt. The pain is there. And it's not going to go away anytime soon either. It's just really sad to see that one can move on so quickly. I think I'm trying really hard to get past this, that it seems like I'm not being a good friend. I feel like a bad person because whenever I see them at school together, I just wanna get up and leave. But who wouldn't right? Maybe I'm bitter -- bitter because *he found someone that was better for *him than I was. I had a talk with my mom about this today, and everything that she wanted to say was summed up into three words -- "live, and learn." I guess all I can do now is take from this experience the memories and lessons learned over time. I can't live the rest of my life wondering "what if." Live life with no regrets.
*Sigh. I think all this thinking did my brain some good. I need to have more alone time. I realized that I am most happy when I can reflect upon my life and be content with everything that I have done to make the most out of difficult situations. I just gotta remember to keep my head up high and stay strong.
catch me as i fall
say you're here and it's all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away
-- evanescence